Let’s talk about narcissistic mothers and the silent treatment. The narcissistic mom and the narcissistic mother-in-law share many forms of emotionally abusive ammo in their arsenals, and the passive-aggressive control they wield with the silent treatment is a force to be reckoned with. Take back your power with a few go-to lines of dialogue. Practice with a friend, coach, or therapist to gain confidence. How? See What to Do in the section below.
Narcissistic Mother Control Tactics
One way a narcissistic parent seeks to gain power and control over you is to give you the silent treatment. She likes to do this when you do not respond to her in the ways she would prefer you to. She completely ignores you out of contempt. Or she expresses disapproval with her body language or mumbling. Why? She might not tell you. You are left to wonder. She has an uncanny way of wordlessly communicating to you that this is you’re punishment for something you have done, which probably wasn’t even bad, just not something she wanted you to do.
If you have a narcissistic mother or narcissistic mother-in-law, you know she can be rather extreme in her punishments. When giving you the silent treatment, she may refuse to speak to you or even acknowledge you for a considerable time.
Days, weeks, months, or even years may pass while she punishes you. Unless you are the one to apologize, she may never stop.
And, as you know, she won’t be the one to apologize. She believes that she can do no wrong. Therefore, the narcissistic mother has nothing to be sorry about.
By treating you this way, she demands an apology from you in an emotionally abusive manner. This sadistic behavior allows her to inflate her view of herself further by giving her a false sense of power.
Why Do Narcissistic Mothers Use the Silent Treatment
A narcissistic mother is offended that not all people around her will defer to her. The maternal narcissist resents that you don’t give her the attention she desperately craves. So she punishes you and makes you feel as if you are nothing. It is just about as harsh as it can get without being physical.
This passive-aggressive form of emotional abuse is a common tactic for many narcissistic parents. Her nonverbal actions and gestures show you she is displeased or disapproving of something you have done that doesn’t fit into her script for the day. She has little emotional regulation. Yet, she knows how to make you feel unvalued and unimportant, in her eyes at least.
When mostly healthy-minded people give others the silent treatment, it is usually resolved in a few moments, maybe hours, after giving you the courtesy of saying they need a break from the topic. Ideally, the two parties then mutually agree when to talk about it again.
Non-narcissists know shunning someone is not the way to resolve issues. It is abusive and cruel to perform such an act for an extended amount of time.
A narcissistic mother does not see the silent treatment in the same way others do. She wants to get her way no matter the cost to others.
What to Do
You can make a comment about the behavior directly to your narcissistic mom. If this hasn’t been successfully done in the past, that’s usually for one of two reasons. The first is that you weren’t prepared for all of her avoidant and gaslighting replies. If so, you may have more success in decreasing her bad behavior this time if you practice with a trusted other.
To do so, you play the role of the narcissistic mother and your practice partner tries your lines on you. It will help you anticipate what she says. And, it will keep you calmer in the actual discussion of you’ve practiced how to deal with the things she’ll inevetably say to try to weasle out of the situation. Remember, once you start studying your narcissist, you start to see they are quite predictable.
Some Dialogue to Try During the Narcissistic Mother Silent Treatment
1. I notice you speak to me only when necessary and I’m wondering what you think that is about. (If it is an in-law, you can ask the adult child of the narcissist to ask the same sort of question on your behalf, or the three of you can do it together.)
2. I want you to know I notice you are acting quiet around me and I will continue to give you your space.
Her go to tactic may be to say she’s not doing this, which is a manipulation called gaslighting. You can reply with: Of course you may be right that you aren’t doing ___ (fill in with the behavior) but that is how I’m experiencing you and I thought you might be interested in that.
Give Yourself Permission to Take Space Away from a Narcissistic Mother
Sometimes, the only thing you can do when you have a narcissistic mother or narcissistic mother-in-law is accept the fact that she isn’t going to change and then move on. Many readers of this blog have expressed their eventual ability to emotionally detach if not physically, remove themselves from a narcissistic mom’s or narcissistic mother-in-law’s tactics.
If she wants to treat you with such disrespect by blatantly ignoring you and pretending you don’t exist, then maybe you need to let that happen. If you are the one who constantly has to apologize for things you may or may not have done, it can be exhausting. You do not have to walk around on pins and needles with a narcissistic parent, always afraid of stepping out of line.
