Help, my narcissistic mother-in-law hates me, is one request sent often to this blog.
There’s the age old cliche that’s used as a break-up line, “It’s not you, it’s me.” Well, when it comes to narcissistic mother-in-laws, it holds true as well. It’s not you. Really. It’s her 110%.
Of course, she’ll never admit she’s the one who is at fault for the problems and friction between the two of you. Regardless, you are not the one responsible for the hatred she has bestowed upon you.
First thing you need to know is you’re unlikely to change how your narcissistic mother-in-law feels about you, no matter how hard you try or how nice you are to her. If she hates you, it’s due to her own objectification of you.
She sees you as something in between her and what she wants. An obstacle. Your efforts will be wasted in the attempts to gain the approval of your spouse’s narcissistic mother.
You may not have realized, at first, that your mother-in-law was a narcissist. This is because they may wait until after you and your spouse are married to unleash their cruel and manipulative ways. Their true colors often come out after the wedding and this is when you might truly realize the bizzarre situation you are in.
With any relationship, there comes familial baggage. But, this probably isn’t what you had in mind. Healthy people often haven’t been exposed to chronic narcissistic behavior when they were young and thus are unlikely to recognize it or defend against it at first.
Narcissistic mothers-in-law will blame and attack you for everything, even things you haven’t done. She’ll project onto you the things she does and says so she doesn’t have to be at fault. This can make you doubt your own sanity from time to time, and make you believe it is your fault for setting her off. Exhausting? You bet. It is enough to make you want to avoid her at all costs.
A narcissistic mother-in-law has the reputation for hurting those in her path of destruction, like a tornado, leaving chaos and madness along the way. Narcissists thrive on the drama they create, which gives them the attention and narcissistic supply they are always craving more of.
A narcissistic mother-in-law is not above using your children or “her grandchildren” as a way to regain entry into your family. Unfortunately, her emotional abuse will eventually come out on them as well if she is allowed access.
Narcissistic mother-in-laws will often use any means at their disposal, including religious beliefs to try to guilt you or your spouse into tolerating an unhealthy relationship with you, a tactic called spiritual or religious abuse.
It may be your narcissistic mother-in-law’s goal to create turmoil and anger in your relationship with your spouse. She is chronically jealous of others, and she is especially jealous of you and the relationship you have with your partner. Don’t let her jealousy get to you or make you do anything you may regret.
What can you do when a narcissitic mother-in-law hates you? Do you waste all of your time and effort to try to get on her good side, make her like you, or at least be polite to you?
It simply is not prudent to spend your energy this way and make yourself vulnerable. So here’s what you can do:
Keep your narcissistic mother-in-law at arm’s length. Don’t let her get too close to you or your personal and family business. Recognize how it makes you feel and affects you when she tries to reign in on your territory. Learn to skillfully interact with her, when and if you must, so you don’t give her any unnecessary information.
Try not to be alone with her for too long, or at all, for that matter. When she has you cornered, she’ll try to control and manipulate you. If you have to be around her, make sure to stick with the group and have reinforcements.
Don’t divulge information to your narcissistic mother-in-law about your relationship with your spouse or children. It will only come back to bite you if you allow her to know if anything is going wrong or if you are frustrated about something. Share this information with people you trust in your support system instead of your narcissistic mother-in-law.
Sadly, even good news often can’t be shared because any information given to a narcissist can fuel attempts to manipulate.
Don’t let her comments and snide remarks get to you, which is exactly what she wants. She wants to get a rise out of you so she can play victim. Show no emotion when she takes hurtful digs at you, her actions speak for themselves.
Stand firm on your rules and boundaries. Protect yourself and your family from the toxic harm of your narcissistic mother-in-law.
