‘It is awful and sad… I am 40… When will I stop being hurt and crying about my mother???’ A recent comment on the blog.
As a psychotherapist in my 40’s, I feel it in my bones when someone says on the blog or in my coaching practice, “I’m X years old and I’m still effected by my narcissistic mother. When will this ever stop?”
Your narcissistic mother can be alive or dead, vibrant or frail, in high, low or no contact and the inner child within you will still at times cry out for attention about the emotional abuse and less than nurturing behavior you experienced in her care.
That means you are alive and growing stronger, not weak.
When we feel mad, ashamed or negative about ourselves for having emotions, we are treating ourselves like our narcissistic mother treated us. As if, though human, we shouldn’t have vulnerability or needs.
Don’t make the mistake of stuffing that part of you away or berating yourself.
Instead, notice.
Give that part of yourself what you need in a moderate way.
When I fall into these self attacks, I practically hiss at myself that I’m really, really supposed to know better…15 years as a therapist, working from growing up in a trailer to earning cum laude from a top university…all that external stuff… and I can’t stop myself from feeling very sad and powerless at times.
My functional adult knows I can’t change others, that I’m supposed to meet my own needs in a moderated way within my value system that respects other’s boundaries. And I still make mistakes. So have the CEO’s, VP’s, best selling authors, and elite military I’ve treated.
So, just notice when you have feelings about your narcissistic mother. Forgive yourself for being a perfectly imperfect human being, and come back to the healthy part of yourself that can soothe the wounded part of yourself. In this way, you will heal.
It helps to have a trusted other who can catch you in this process and coach you through doing this for yourself. Choose this person carefully, and soon you are building a strong support network and these feelings become less intense.
